A message from Anonymous
tw for abuse!!! sorry to ask you about this but I feel like you'd give good advice and i can't ask anyone irl this girl was friends with both me and my ex-partner. she knows he abused me (emotionally, occasionally physically - i needed counselling) she's a prominent feminist in the town we all used to live, but when I left him and moved she told me not to tell her details cause she was 'scared to know'. she knows there was abuse, but still hangs out with him. am I justified in calling her out?

Nonny you are 100% justified in calling her out tbh and I hope you have the support and safety etc to feel comfortable doing so if that’s what you want to do. She knows your ex is an abuser and abused you, and she’s deliberately telling you to essentially keep it to yourself because she doesn’t want to know? That’s pretty fucked up on her part. Saying she’s “scared to know” the details of your abuse is basically a tactic to obligate YOU to cater to HER feelings about YOUR abuse. It would be one thing if she said that because details of intimate partner violence is like, triggering to her, BUT she also cut the guy off, held him accountable as an abuser, etc in support of you - but that’s obviously not what she’s doing, it sounds like she just wants her social life to not be complicated or whatever.

Your safety from this abuser is more important than her social life not being complicated. This guy abused you emotionally and physically and you deserve nothing less than support from your friends and I’m so sorry you haven’t been getting it from her. I hope that whatever you decide to do you are supported by other people who care about you. I’m so sorry your ex did that to you and I’m sorry there’s even one person in your life who is pulling this “I don’t want to know but also I know but also I’m going to hang out with this abuser anyway because I don’t want to ~take sides~ or whatever” bullshit with you.

I know calling people out can be super scary and I think you’re being really brave. <3

kumquatwriter:

These two asks came in within minutes of each other, which is why I’m replying with an image of both. On the one hand, you have mapalap from Profound Radio asking me to censor my tags because people “are already aware of Andy’s ‘history’&#8221;
Moments later, I get a third ask from someone who didn’t know and wanted to.
I fail to see how my polite, generally supported (both by many other victims and frequently with documents) information is “hate.&#8221; Jeanine’s old blog, full of cruel comments, obviously false information, and an avowed mission to drive Andy (and myself) into poverty and prostitution? That was hateful. This is not.
I share my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my own observations. I also answer questions. No book tours, no showing up at his work, no “inciting&#8221; actions.
Censorship is never the way to deal with controversy or scandal. If Andy has truly changed, then he can and will live down the bad press. I did. Diamond did. Others have. If Andy has not changed, then it is absolutely reasonable to warn people of his decade long history of abuse.

Heads up to the SPN fandom - this is Profound Radio hassling an abuse survivor to get her to stop talking about the fact that they gave a platform to a known serial abuser. 
Profound Radio is a &#8220;hate free environment&#8221; - that&#8217;s why they support serial abusers and engage in silencing tactics against abuse survivors? lol ok

kumquatwriter:

These two asks came in within minutes of each other, which is why I’m replying with an image of both. On the one hand, you have mapalap from Profound Radio asking me to censor my tags because people “are already aware of Andy’s ‘history’”

Moments later, I get a third ask from someone who didn’t know and wanted to.

I fail to see how my polite, generally supported (both by many other victims and frequently with documents) information is “hate.” Jeanine’s old blog, full of cruel comments, obviously false information, and an avowed mission to drive Andy (and myself) into poverty and prostitution? That was hateful. This is not.

I share my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my own observations. I also answer questions. No book tours, no showing up at his work, no “inciting” actions.

Censorship is never the way to deal with controversy or scandal. If Andy has truly changed, then he can and will live down the bad press. I did. Diamond did. Others have. If Andy has not changed, then it is absolutely reasonable to warn people of his decade long history of abuse.

Heads up to the SPN fandom - this is Profound Radio hassling an abuse survivor to get her to stop talking about the fact that they gave a platform to a known serial abuser. 

Profound Radio is a “hate free environment” - that’s why they support serial abusers and engage in silencing tactics against abuse survivors? lol ok

abuse apologist defends amanda bynes b/c they’re both being slandered on the internet ;_____;

I realize making digs at this person on my blog is probably really immature but I’ve been the bigger person with them for like, over a year now, I’m allowed some shadenfreude

excerpt from e-mail I just sent

"It happened. It was awful. Anyway it’s over now, and I have PTSD and a bottle of klonopin."

my partner asked me the other day “is there like, an actual treatment for just psychological trauma like you’ve got” and i laughed in his face for like 30 seconds straight

daxsymbiont:

i think i hate the word abuse tho because its like you have to call anything abuse to legitimize it as hurtful and like i cant even put the hell!college stuff and the exfriend stuff in the same category but at the same time theres this pull to if i call it that, i will gain catharsis and what can you do how can you resist that

“abuse” is just “people hurt me, it was a hurt that invaded my brain and stripped me of my personhood” with added political clout

and i hate that “people hurt me” by itself does not have political clout

It really does cut both ways, because if you insist on naming something that was hurtful and dehumanizing and terrifying and traumatic, etc as “abuse” people will accuse you of just naming it that because of the power associated with the word “abuse”, for that political clout

like “you’re just exaggerating”, “it was just hurt feelings”, “why did that even make you feel that way, how weak are you”

it is so alienating on every single level, ugh.

(not to mention that it’s a pretty standard tactic of abusers to make counter-accusations against their victims, so like, one thing I’ve seen a lot recently in “radical” circles is abuse accusations just coming down to who has more social capital, and guess what, abusive people tend to have a lot of that because that’s how abusers work, and they’ll manipulate the language around abuse to their advantage because they have no fucking morals)

  • John Darnielle: I hate to say this, because, I don't want to wish death on anybody, but.. it's wonderful when your abuser dies. It's wonderful. It's like nothing in the world. It's like, you are free. There's a feeling that you will never be free of what you were. You know, there's that. But there is this, you know, even though my stepfather was helpless at the end of his life, but to know that the person who used to hurt you no longer can. It's very, very, very deep. It's unbelievable.
  • Interviewer: Do you forgive him?
  • John Darnielle: No.

friendlyangryfeminist:

tw: abuse, victim blaming

being angry at my abuser, during the abuse and after, meant that it wasn’t real abuse. real victims don’t get to be angry, anger is messy. victimhood in order to be take seriously has to be martyrdom, we have to want the best for our abusers.

I wanted my abuser dead (while still loving him) 

and I still am dealing with that. I am still dealing with the idea that in order to be taken seriously as a survivor, to be treated as a victim, anger was not an option.

am I only a victim so long as I promise to forgive? 

suddenly struck by the number of times I have said “I just want them to have support/I just want what’s best for them/I’m sure they’re going through some hard stuff” about people who were abusing/had abused me, because I felt like that was expected of me

"accountability" sounds really great when you say it over and over, until it’s someone less popular or influential in whatever social scene you’re invested in, saying that your friend is an abuser. then who gives a shit, because if they wanted their abuse taken seriously, maybe they should have taken more care to remind you of yourself, amirite?

"accountability" is such bullshit. there will never be accountability, for any of it, and the amount of abusers who cling to all their zines on "radical accountability" sicken me, especially the white kids twisting theories of transformative justice that were created by people of colour, turning something significant and practical into bullshit jargon for them to jack off to instead of taking a good hard look at who their friends are and why they leave a pattern of broken commitments and "drama" (read: abuse allegations) in their wake everywhere they go.

friendlyangryfeminist:

I feel like ‘getting over’ abuse is like downloading a large file using dial-up internet in the 90s: it takes a really long time, it buffers really slowly, it randomly goes from like 20% to 3% to 60% to 43% and it randomly stops and then your brother has to use the phone and then it starts all over again and you feel like screaming and crying in frustration.  

and like of course you never really get over it but I guess its the best analogy I can come up with. 

so my strategy for dealing with the  person who abused and harassed me several months ago now has been basically to ignore them and their friends as completely as I possibly can

ie walking away when I see them in the street, blocking their e-mails, screening their calls, etc

and I thought that eventually they would get bored or something and move on to some other project or mark or just continue on their way with their carefree life of being a middle-class kid who loves dumpster diving and oversharing about their feelings or something

but I guess they have e-mailed at least one person who I like and hang out with, trying to escalate or stir up more shit

and I just feel really awful because this person has no boundaries and it sucks that my strategy of “disengage, ignore” has resulted in their bullshit affecting other people


so basically to irl folks, I’m sorry if this person is harassing you or even just making you feel uncomfortable, it’s my fault, I’m just sorry, if you wanna talk about it you can always call or e-mail me.

Good Victims definitely do not mention the impacts of their abuse on their daily/professional/accademic lives in scholarship applications

trying not to not think about the words reserved for victims who try to own their stories in ways that benefit them personally because ffs for everything that’s happened don’t they deserve a good thing

Taylor Swift is really coming through for me w/r/t this tbh

"Begin Again" has been on repeat all morning, moving on to "I Knew You Were Trouble" soon, I swear.

tonight at dinner w/ friends I recounted this anecdote and one person who knew who I was talking about was like “he’s right though, they’re not cute at all” and I felt more validated than I ever even thought possible, I’m not even kidding

it’s funny because I have seriously stopped speaking to people irl, not to mention unfollowed them on tumblr, for posting photos of this person and talking about what a babe they are

I feel like after they told me I was responsible for them trying to kill themselves and then tried to literally blackmail me and spread lies about me to all our mutual friends and posted fake craigslist ads to send people to my apartment to harass me I can say they’re really not a babe okay

the end

excerpt from an e-mail I just sent to a friend, tw emotional abuse, rape

like I think “I want you to not have friends who tell me that they wish my rapist had killed me” IS A PERFECTLY VALID AND HEALTHY AND NON ABUSIVE THING TO SAY

Like that seems like a really reasonable boundary.

But of course the hilarious thing about having a history of being abused is that when someone tells you you’re not allowed to say that, instead of going “what, fuck you”, your first reaction is “oh my god I’m sorry is that not normal of me oh god I don’t want to be like my abuser(s) i’m so sorry of course my partner can hang out with people who tell me that they wish my rapist had killed me!!!!!!” and then cry